29042013

Dear Diary ,

For one minute lets try to be practical .....

Why should this not Work ?????

1) She Loves Someone else ( i think so ..... )
2) She is unaware of my feelings..... ( I'm pretty sure abt this .... )
3) The geographical divide is more than 1000 kms , i dont knw how i can possibly make her love me bck ....
4) Her family is already luking for a suitable groom for her ( I'm Pretty sure abt it too....)
5) She loves her family, her parents too much .... i doubt even if i convince her, Her parents wld have to be convinced.....
6) The truth is I'm not good at impressing people when i try to impress them .... I dont know how i can make her love me back....
and so on ........

Why should This Work ????

With each passing day I have come to realise this .... I love her more than all the yesterdays.... & with each passing day I love her more than the previous day..... to put in geeky terms my Love for her is like an arithmetic progression,it just keeps piling on ...... it will never ever decrease ......  ever.....
         But that is not answering the question ...... Why should this work ???
 Hmmmm ...... Bcoz I believe this will work ...... I will hav to make it work ...... It will have to fall in place ..... I dont have a reason .. i dont need a reason ..... I think slowly and steadily , may be she will understand how much i love her , how much i care for her ...... and i will always be always there for her .... and you know when i say always it is always always ALWAYS .

26042013

Dear Diary ,

On Friday , i was away frm my desk with my resident manager wrking on the machine , my chat was as always on ..... and after some time as i was handling customers in the lobby area , my RM came out of the room smiling saying some "Shmi" just pinged you on chat and has asked you to have lunch , with a mischievous smile on his face ( no he doesnt know nything abt her , but u know ..... ) . I couldnt react to that for almost a good 5 secs , after which i hope i managed a casual," Ok " !!! I cant explain how happy I was for the whole day ..... just jumping here and there the whole day ..... :) . She remembered ... i knw , it ws just a casual enquiry still ....but................. SHE REMEMBERED :) :P

28042012

Dear Diary ,

 Life is all about finding a person you wont mind loosing to .... loosing every day , each day of your life .... coz deep down somewhere you know that your real victory lies in her triumph ........ I hope I get the chance to Loose to her ...... each day of my life.... I wont mind it...... Shmi ..... not at all 

27042013

Dear Diary ,

Love is not just about finding a someone who you feel Good abt her, it is about finding a someone who makes you feel good about yourself .... she makes me feel great about myself .... she makes me appreciate myself ..... She made me rediscover the Lost me ...... She ( though unknowingly ) helped me find myself :)
                           I dont know if I will ever be able to let her know what she did for me ..... but I will foever be indebted to her for the help.......

24042013

Dear Diary ,

I am not sure if she knows or is even a bit circumspect about my feelings for her, but i can guarantee you one thing !!! She tries her very best to try n reply to every txt of mine staying well within her boundaries and ensuring that i dont get any promising hints .....to keep me from making any advances !!! but she always always replies ......thats how nice she is .... possibly one of the nicest ones around.... I cant thank her enuf for that ......ever.....

23042013(1)

Dear Diary ,

These days whenever i come across something good , whether it be a good text ,quote or my own thought , or a beautiful    photograph ...... The first thing I want to do is share it with her (Even if not directly but by posting it on the Group ) .... I don't deny that I hopr that i somehow impress her ... but apart from that I want her to have all the good things ...I don't want her to miss on anything good... nything that makes her smile , makes her happy or even amuses her a bit ... She deserves every bit of it .......  

22042013 ( The meaning of her Name )

Dear Diary ,

Her name means  "a Ray of Light " or " Beam of Light " . How apt ain't it ???  In the day she is the Ray of Sunshine that Brightens up my day & in the Night She is the beam of Moonlight that fills my heart with an unprecedented Serenity .......   

21042013(2)

Dear Diary ,

She believes In God .... her God ...... and with all her heart ....... She prays every morning to her God ..... She doesnt ask for anything back from Him .....She says He knows what she wants and that He would always do the Right thing for her ...... the best thing for her !!  Her belief put a big smile on my face ....... Hope or call it Belief is the biggest strength a person can have and aint i glad she possesses it .....
                     You know I dont believe in God ...... and I really wish if there is a god some where out there that he takes good care of her and keeps her Faith unscratched ...... And pls do what is the best for her :) ...... always !!!      

Sorry Kiddo....Really Sorry.....

Dear Diary,

This is not the first time we have seen Humanity plummet to great depths,but after the Horrific Delhi Child rape I am deeply saddened to say that Humanity possibly reached rock bottom. We might try n wash away our hands saying that this was an Act of Cowardice n Disgrace by one individual , but the blame of the incident has to be shared by each and every human of our society .I don't see how even one soul on the planet can now look into the eyes of the little kid without guilt or shame ever again. And Though I realise that slowly and gradually even this act of barbarism would soon fade away and be eventually be erased from the memories of most ,but i hope that this guilt & shame lingers in the hearts of some of us for a long tym. And may we eventually work together to make a better world for our daughters, sisters , girl friends & mothers, for rite now I am really sorry to say that this world we are a part of aint good enough .... just not good enough...... 

Though I realise that no number of Apologies would make any difference but still.......
"Sorry Kid , Really Sorry for what you had to go thru..... We know we could have given you a better world to Live in.... "

21042013 (1)

Dear Diary,

She Inspires me .......
She inspires me to Smile......
She inspires me to Live........
She inspires me to Dream.....
She Inspires me to Aspire to be myself......  !!!
She Inspires me........

Do i need to say anymore ....

19042013

Dear Diary ,

It is said that " You can make all assumptions and mark those specific characteristics that you would want to have in your Special person ...when eventually you realise that that "Person" would truely be an Exception " :)
       Shmi , She is so bubbly , so full of life...... even the  recollection of her Beaming Smiling Face fills my heart with such joy  ....... I always thought i was always a person who fell for Quiet , reserve girls ....All the three girls I fell for have had that particular trait in common .... but little did i knw the mysterious ways Love works in.......
                  Shmi ???? I wonder if she would like this nick name ??? I hope she doesnt hate it ..... But for that I'd have to let her know that i've nicknamed that ....... lets see if i can do that today  :)     

18042013

Dear Diary ,

I found her online on the office chat after a long tym yesterday ( 4 full days ) .... I was so happy ..... Got to chat a bit with her .... made my day :) . She is fasting for Navratri ( The Nine Sacred Days of Hindu Religion )  , all the days ..... today being the last of the days. They say generally say that the Girls go thru the Fast to find a Suitable Husband ..... And being the God Believer that she is I am pretty sure she too might have asked for a similar wish !!! And i know she dint seek me out in her prayer ..... but I wished her that May her Prayer Come true from the Bottom of her heart . Maybe she asked God that she marries the guy she loves ( which aint me ) ... but if he is really worth it and would keep her happy Let her wish come true ...... Its important that She stays happy ...even if that means I dont get to be a part of her life ..... It wont be easy for me , i know that very well  but whatever is for her best ......... Having said that I deep down somewhere in my heart wish She wished for a Husband who would love her and take care of her more than anyone else in the world .... coz this wish would put me in contention  :) . Anyways thats all speculation , may be she wished for something else ......... I just wish I knew what she wished for ........ i wish ......


 And  yes Alas she is on an off from office today as today is the last day of the Pooja . And here i am already
missing wishing her  Good Morning , checking on her lunch .... So today I'd be deprived of all these happiness ..... and sadly tomorrow i aint in office, have to go on a official trip  :( .

    I just Wish there was something more connecting us  ......something more than the official chat n wassup......

 I just dont want to Scare her off by my advances ( advances ???  you just made a mockery out of the word ... Dude you havnt even called her once post the training prog ) .

  Even i agree ... so this weekend I'll give her a call ...sure ...just a random call :) 

17042013 ( Change in the Relationship Status )

Dear Diary ,

I always stood by the line " I am Single and it would take an Outstandingly Amazing Girl to Change my Status ...... "
   And guess what i met the World's most Outstanding Girl ........ :)  

15042013(3) Hero.....

Would you dance
 If I asked you to dance?
 Would you run
 And never look back?
 Would you cry
 If you saw me crying?
 And would you save my soul, tonight?

Would you tremble
 If I touched your lips?
 Would you laugh?
 Oh please tell me this.
 Now would you die
For the one you loved?
 Hold me in your arms, tonight.
I can be your hero, baby.
 I can kiss away the pain.
 I would stand by you forever.
 You can take my breath away.

Would you swear
 That you'll always be mine?
 Or would you lie?
Would you run and hide?
 Am I in too deep?
 Have I lost my mind?
 I don't care
You're here tonight.
I can be your hero, baby.
 I can kiss away the pain.
 I would stand by you forever.
 You can take my breath away.

Oh, I just want to hold you.
 I just want to hold you.
 Am I in too deep?
Have I lost my mind?
 I don't care
 You're here tonight.

I can be your hero, baby.
 I can kiss away the pain.
I will stand by your forever.
 You can take my breath away.

I can be your hero.
 I can kiss away the pain.
 And I will stand by you forever.
 You can take my breath away.
 You can take my breath away.

I can be your hero..... I will be your Hero....

I know these are the lyrics from Enrique's Song ..... but somehow I am just reciprocating the feelings :)  It just is what i feel at this moment of tym.....

* No Copying intended









 

15042013(2)

Dear Diary,
                                  Life seemed to be going no where .... it all felt way too stale .Enter : Shmi into my life ...... Without even knowing she colored the black n white sketch of my life.... she brought with her so much change in my life that i can never thank her enuf for it....... I think after a very long tym in my life I have a someone I'd like..love....absolutely Love to take care of ....take care of beyond even my capabilities ...... take care of till the very last breath of my life ..... today ...tomorrow ... forever ......
    I know rite now I cant care too much of her given the status  of our relation ( relation if there is any ....) .But I care in whatever way that i can.... That Simple Good Morning i wish every morning is from the very very bottom of my heart wishing her a Glorious Day ahead .... that good night too is something similar ... it wishes that she has a good and peaceful nite of sleep even though i mite fight the whole night with my insomnia and the most imp of all , that daily check on her Lunch ( to remind her to have her lunch in tym ) is just to make sure she has her food in tym .... since i cant be there to take care of her ..... and when she asks bck if i had mine ( which i have to say i eagerly wait for ) it only a bonous :) . I have the days i am in the outreach ( i really miss checking on her on those days) when i dont get to check on her lunch .... i realise that She'd have her lunch i ask her or not but then i'm just making sure :)
    And Shmi I promise you this if you give me a chance to be with you I will care for you with all my heart for each day , every day of my life ..... i'd care for you in the happy moments and in the not so happy ones ... i promise to never let you go .... in good times and bad times .... And even in the days when we grow old you look beside I'll always be there ..... I just hope you give me a chance Shmi .....  

15042013(1)

Dear Diary ,

" My Friend, you are a parent !!!! " These words belong to my Engg. Roommate Vishal . Years have passed and till date I cherish these words as possibly one of the best compliments of my life :) . For me relations have always been more about giving ..... and so far in my life i have mostly been into relations  where my giving has been well reciprocated . So all in all (barring Shweta ) I have been very lucky with relations and hence the motto of my life has been to Give without worrying about whats coming in return .And if you measure up the returns I'd say I have got substantial returns ... returns which mite not be more or equal to what I gave but definitely in tone to suit my requirements .After all these years I havent had a bad person who has been a part of my ...Thats how lucky i have been in the relation front .I as have mentioned in one of my previous entries, I have the world's best parents , best relatives , bestest Friends ..... super nice office colleagues .. all in all , i've had the best deals possible :)

    It is said that in every relationship there are two ppl , one who cares and the other who cares more . And it is is said that it is always difficult to be the second one . Well i seem to have a knack of almost always being the second one.  Barring a few relations like i share with my Mum , Dad & Bro , i have been the more caring one in almost all the other relations ( and aint i really proud about it ) .... I realise that i guess i am made that way :) and just cant help it :)
U must be wondering what i am trying to say here .... well i am just getting there ......
   Here is a fact about me ... I cant take care of myself ... just cant ..not even a little bit ...i can try and take care of the whole world but not myself .... however hard i try i just cant end up putting in an effort for myself !!! Why ??? maybe coz i have always been taken care of throughout my life ... initally by the family and then by my friends .... I have always have the priviledge of having people around me who i could take care of and in return got cared :) . But off lately things have changed quite a bit .... i still mite have those great people in my life but there seems to be a geographical divide that separates us .... being me i try my best to take care of them ( one advantage that i have over most ppl is that i am single , am an insomniac , that givs me a lot of spare hours each day .. ) So basically I dont get to take care of people the way i would like to .... and thus eventually i end up getting nthing in return . And this i has not been nice ... i mite help a few strangers here and there regularly but those are small helps ... nothing substantial ... these wld never qualify to caring ..... i miss being cared for .. but the thing that i miss the most is Caring for ..... I just wish Shmi Would let me care for her ...... I just wish .....

11042013(4)

Dear Diary ,

There are a lot of things which i am good at .....  Confidence has never been one of them .....i admit to it ...... but she somehow seems to have infused a never before experienced trait of confidence in me ...... you should see the way i handle things these days .... I just keep surprising myself . That is the effect she has on me ..... I just love how she makes me feel ... i just wish i too made her feel this way !!

   Did you see the Pic that's been my wallpaper ( both mobile & laptop ) for the last few days .... thats a pic of little Shmi ( yes thats the nickname i got her ..... Rash was way too rash for my liking , good or bad i dont know ... but i like " Shmi ") . So thats a pic of her childhood .. i dont think i have seen a cuter kid in my whole life .... :) , wat do u say ??  So there is something i said to myself the first time i saw that pic .... once i had adored the pic to my heart's full content ..... i looked at that pic and i told myself,"My daughter will look just like that " :)

     The Me I know would never have the confidence to say something like that .... i'd  never expected that level of confidence  from myself .....

          The truth is that I hardly have a chance to make this work ... i am no charmer .. i know that .... moreover the odds are totally against me .... but some how deep inside a voice keeps teling me that I will make this work ... the voice may not be loud or prominent .. but it's a persistent one ..... I somehow believe that this dream of mine would come true ..... I just hope so... ... i seriously hope so .....  & I wish i do more than just hoping ...... not sure how , or what . but something more ....

     

11042013(3)

Dear Diary ,

I dont want to give up on her .... i just cant ...... she gave me a reason to be alive again ...she managed to infuse passion back in me ... i have started loving my work ..... i have started loving my life .......... i smile ..... how can i possibly give up on some so special .....my heart wont allow me to give up on her ....... infact the most special person . I Have spent my whole life giving up .. i don’t want to give up this tym .. even though giving up this tym seems to be the right choice .....

    I think she has eventually come to understand that i like her ...... or maybe she already knew .... I can hide sadness but hiding happiness is still an  unconquered territory . I just wish that this works out ... somehow ..... somehow it seems that

11042013(2)

Dear Diary ,

At the most confusing crossroad of my life ........ Temptation Vs Call of Duty  ,  I dont know which one to pursue !!!! as i said things have changed in the past couple of months ..... I would have never had to think twice before choosing the call of duty earlier .... but before reaching to the conclusion lets just understand how things have changed .

I have slowly come to realise that i need personal victoriees in life to keep me going ... i just cant soilder on without any ammo ...... i might not have admitted to these this earlier.... but now i know better .....

Secondly i cant be alone ...... you just cant erase the romantic from me..... he is too strong a force to be defeated ...... infact the term Romantic downplays the Ultra Romantic in picture here ...... I Just love Loving ..... the opportunity mite not come again and again but whn they come its no supressing the mrRomantic

I am a Human at the end of the day ....  even i can have my personal ambitions  .......

Donr feel like writing now .. its going too one siuded at this point of time ... will get back to you later .... bye Discussion to be Contd ................... 

11042013(1)

Dear Diary , 

As i was about to board the train today , i saw this crippled guy with undeveloped hands and legs .... he is always  there on the bridge at bilaspur ..... i still remember the first time i saw him ..... all helpless ..... sitting there staring at the train tracks ...... i was so moved by his state that i had to put in a good effect to grill those tears in the eyes .... i wondered what has he done to deserve this ..... I felt so sorry for him .... but now in due course of tym ...... things have changed .... in the past 4-5 months i have crossed the bridge a good 20-30 times ...... Sometimes i give him some money , sometimes i am in such hurry that i ignore him ..... maybe it is human nature to get used to things u see regularly ...... So after that 1st day , i might have given him alms a few times but never have i even looked into his eyes ... but today as i was passing him ..... i looked into his eyes .... I could see that he had recognised me ...... and without even "begging" ( really sorry about using that word ) ..without even saying a word a he communicated .... those eyes begged help .... unlike the 1st time when i had handed him a 500/- note this tym i gave him only 50 /- . And i walked away .... for a very long tym i couldnt get those eyes off my mind ..... i hate when a human has to plead for help to another human ..... what have i done to to be at this place .... and what has he done to have to settle for that place . May be its just fate ...may be .....

           I just hope i am not content by just handing over that 50/- or for that matter of fact even a 500/- note to the guy ...... I just hope not ... coz about an year ago the Sai I know wouldnt have been content by that ....... he might not have been able to make a better contribution but he would have never been content ..... he would have intended to do something better .... atleast intended

Basically what i am trying to zero down to is ... the past 2 months have drastically changed the course of my life ...... I want happiness for myself .... anything wrong with that ??? No way !!! But dont forget that there are other ppl out there who need your help .. Dont immerse yourself so much into yourself that you stopp seeing these ppl completely .... never ever turn a blind eye or a dumb ear to someone again .....  just coz you are closing your eyes doesnt mean that they are not there ..... i dont remember you going an offering a dinner to a poor family for very long tym now ..... Son you are changing ... may be for your good .. and i really hope things work out for you but what is the cost you are willing to pay for it ????

               

09042013

Dear Diary ,

I dont like the way things are headed ...... I want to be a part of her life ... infact the most integral part of her life . But it aint goin that way . It feels as if she is already drifting apart ...... Also the air of uncertainty around her current status makes things only worse . As far as i know she is committed ...what i doubt is that she is in a serious relation ...... i just get this feeling in my gut that the relation she is in rite now is nothing serious ... and i believe that this isnt a piece of my imagination ... And if she aint in a serious relationship , i would like her to give me a chance ..... a chance that she will cherish throughout her life Coz i will make it work ..... A chance she will look back and call the best choice of her life even decades later.
    But if the relation she is in currently makes her happy .... if the guy she is seeing rite now appreciates her the way she deserves to be & she is happy being with him then the only thing i can do is step back and walk away ...... Ofcourse she makes me happy ..... but more than my happiness it is about her happiness ...... it always will be about her ...... 

08042013 ( The End ??? )

Dear Diary ,

This was bound to happen ... I think the dream run might just be coming to an end .... or maybe it already did ..... And i cant say that I dint know this was coming ... but may be I had dug deep and  burrowed my head into the ground trying to pretend that It would be alright.
                                    It has been a great one month or so . I had gotten used to getting her Good Mornings in the Office , to checking on her if she has her lunch on tym ... and then in the end to get aa Good Night from her each nite ..... I cant explain the significance of the Good Night ... it was that imp ..... I never realized that i had gone addicted to her Beautiful Good Nights ....until yesterday .......
     In the afternoon yesterday she created a Group(On Wassup) for all the ppl from the Training prog ...... I had at that point realised that a nail had been put in the coffin . A Common grp meant that I wouldnt be able to Wish her  and have wished good night personally ...maybe it was intentional on her part ..may be it was to check if the inflow of Good Nights every night would stop ......  
                   And it happened ...... I sent a Good Night to Her personally & then  to the whole group .... A good Night came for the whole group but not for me ....... maybe she realised where i was headed to .... and may be she put her foot down......
                        That Goodnight from her had become my Sleeping Pill and it took me the last night to realise that ...... i just couldnt sleep ...... though i lay on the bed for a whole of 6 hours the Sandman nevercame ..... I think it ends here ... i sincerely hope it doesnt end here .... i sincerely do ... But thats the moist i can do Hope ....... I'm not sure how that will help ...................
                             May be this is the end ......the inevitable end that i had closed my eyes to....But rather then ruing that it ended ( will be ending very soon ) , i should be thankful that it happened . It was great to meet Happiness even though for a short duration of time ..... I just hope my old friend sorrow doesnt hop on my back again ... i'll definitely try to make sure that that doesnt happen ... but i cant promise anything 

10 Things I Love About her .....

Dear Diary ,

Well when u love someone ,,, u dont need reasons to Love that person ...... but here's a list nevertheless of things I love her about the most ....

1) The Way she makes me feel about myself  . Its truly been said that you can forget anything but you can never feel the way someone can make u feel. She makes me feel great about myself ..... and that for me is seriously special
2) Her Smile..... OMG ..... they say find a someone who doesnt merely put a smile on your face ... but you heart too ...... They dint mention about the the person who manages to make your Soul Smile..... yes thats how special she is....
3) Her Soul .... you can almost feel the Purity of her Soul ..... its almost un-explainable ...... there is a strange serenity that you get to feel with her around... its a feeling that can be experienced when one visits a temple or a church .... its lyk Divine...
4) Her Good Mornings, Her Good Nights ...wait Corrrection... Gooood Morning !!! Gooood Night !!! Those extra O's she puts in the Goods ...just transform the "Goods" to the "Bests" !!!! Her Gooood Nights seem to have the power to put an insomniac like me to sleep..... :)
5) Her Innocence ...... how do i put it...... there is a unique Maturity about her Innocence..... An Innocence that totally disarms you ......
6) Her Positive outlook towards life...... her positivity is way stronger than the negativity that i carry...... Her energetic outlook towards things makes me wanna do the same ........ Its has been a decade since i wanted & actually tried to be happy... How can I ever thank her enuf for that ....
7) After almost a Decade ... i seem to be regularly getting a dose of Good Sleep these days ...... Those Nightmares now are  almost at the back burner ... These days I go to Sleep .... hoping to dream of Her ..... and so even more than a 1000 kms apart , i get to have a glimpse of her ...... cant explain how much that means to me ...... a reason to to go to sleep .... what more can i ask for ??? All credit to her ....
8) She gives me a Reason to Wake up to.... a reason to go to work .... a reason to got to Sleep .... miyan ab kya bacche ki jaan loge.....  :)
9) I cant get the exact reason how she did this to me ... I remember goin to the training program all negative and unexcited about life .... i still cant understand how 10 days i enuf to bring about such a drastic change to my life ..... but she brought abt that change .... i can keep thanking her my whole life for that and yet not thank her enuf.....
10) That day I came back from the training and looked at myself at the mirror . I got to see a someone i had not seen in the last 10 years .... i saw a happy face ..... like a real happy face ..... i cant tell you how much that meant to me .... She made me Happy !!!! I Dont think it can get any bigger than this ........ Thanks a lot Miss R .

010422013

Dear Diary ,


I miss her ... i miss her voice ,,, i miss her smile ..i miss every single bit about her .  what more can i say ...... She gives me a reason to stay alive ......